I spend disproportionate amounts of time stressing about ZHUCHI and trying to think up ways to ensure this little piece of something endures. Every day is a face-off between my differing opinions. There is a part of me that is totally buzzed about having taken the plunge to do this, to step off the hamster wheel, take a risk and achieve a goal. There is a part of me that likes having problems to create - that self respect, self esteem and bravery come from existing outside the comfort zone. There is a part of me that’s dead proud. Another part believes that I would have been better off staying where I was and the grass isn’t actually greener here at all. There is also a part that thinks I am insane to have put so many personal things on the line for nothing but 24 hour nausea. There is another part that lies in bed, toes curling up, hands clammy and the clench of my jaw resulting in a TMJ headache the size of the world. There is even a part that wants to cry a lot and ask you all to be my friends, and if you only knew what torment I was going through trying to develop this business then you might all take pity, rush to my aid, whip out your credit cards and start registering for training. All of these thoughts rush around, like waltzers, one swinging in to view as the other departs.
I went to a workshop which taught me that I am the biggest marketer of my business - no one knows it better than me. But I’m not comfortable being the showman - not around anything that is terribly meaningful to me at least. It feels arrogant banging on about my business (ergo myself), I just want people to learn about ZHUCHI by stealth, minus the red face and the salsa-ing nerves. It occurs to me on a daily basis that the line where imposter-syndrome ends and arrogance begins is probably a fairly fuzzy one… I know my sh*t, I just don’t want to have to convince YOU that I do….
I worry about being perceived as something that I am not, yet paradoxically, I'm to create a perception in order to be taken seriously - in order to survive. I keep expecting a “boss” to turn up and question my decisions. The freedom of being entirely autonomous - in charge of everything that gets said, printed, presented - takes a lot of getting used to. It’s fantastic but overwhelming. Imagine having no-one but myself and my better half to be accountable to? Where is the “authority figure” that has been so omnipresent in every other domain of my life? It’s mind boggling and well beyond the scope of scaredy little me.
I worry about writing blogs and comments on the ZHUCHI Facebook page. I mean, who cares?? Why would anything I have to say be of interest to anyone? Dylan Thomas’ said “Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me”. I agree! I live 24/7 thinking up and listening to the garbage I spout, I’ve seen the look on my better half’s face when I enter a monologue, I can’t imagine for one millisecond why people would want to read this vapid nonsense.
I’d rather tell you about our trip to Laos and Vietnam a couple of years ago- about getting threatened with death by an enraged tuk-tuk driver at Pakse airport, about having a sympathetic conversation with a Laotian pharmacist about the horrors of haemorrhoids, about failing to switch international roam off my phone and being texted a bill for $1500 only ten days in to a four week holiday. At least that’s colourful.
I’m even concerned that every paragraph of this blog written starts with “I” which is an absolute NO in the world of editorial style and creative writing. It’s possibly the most boring and unimaginative way of constructing prose.
Next time will be better :)
Hey remember this?
Innovation and change…
on June 11, 2014
A wise woman once told me “there’s no such thing as a wrong decision”.
It’s a bit rough that the Zhuchi has to be the Zhuchi for herself as well as others.
But although your job is to be behind the scenes, there are things behind the scenes maybe you too can’t see. Other people seeing you doing what you do, with heart and soul, and walking the talk. Keep walking.
on April 26, 2014
Just love reading your comments and blogs Liz.
For me I always come away with having learnt something, usually I pass it on. I can associate with some of what you were saying and can directly relate it to our own situation and often think wow we are not the only ones!. You speak from the heart and that is the best part. Keep it up, your doing great!
on April 12, 2014
Andy Howard says…
I read this whole post and I want to read more. I’m not even in the target for ZHUCHI, but I like it and I’m interested.
You’re interesting without trying Liz. Keep going!
on April 08, 2014
There is strength in being vulnerable. .thank you liz for opening up and writing this. I love it..from the heart..straight to my heart. Namaste …
on April 03, 2014
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